“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
I feel, very, what’s the word? Torschlusspanik. The German language defines torschlusspanik as the fear that time is running out and important opportunities are slipping away. I know that in less than three weeks, I am leaving this beautiful city.
I am overwhelmed with conflicting emotions. I am hopeful for what this next stage of my life holds. I am relieved to be leaving behind unfortunate conflicts. I am saddened to be saying see ya to my best friends. But I am also feeling torschlusspanik. There are many places I wanted to go to and things I wanted to see that I didn’t.
So, as a raging sense of panic has bubbled inside my body, I have been attempting to see all that I can before it’s time to get going.
The Bible verse I quoted is one of my favorites for many reasons. I’ve battled a lot with anxiety since beginning my college journey, and obviously, get overwhelmed way too easily.
Feeling a weird sense of overwhelm that I cannot accomplish the things that don’t necessarily have a timeline is a battle I struggle with from the time I wake up and genuinely lose sleep over. One thing helps…traveling. Which, is an expensive medicine, but the excitement of what’s ahead distracts from the mental roadblocks.
So, as my theoretical timeline and moving date approach, I got away. My main dude met me in Santa Barbara and we went on a little adventure. I had heard of this castle, Knapp’s Castle, and thought it would be really cool to explore it a little bit.
Some background…it’s a burnt down estate at the top of a mountain. Ed Sheeran would best describe it as a castle on a hill. (cymbals clash)
It was beautiful. The June Gloom has been ever-so-real in Malibu, and the hike to the beautiful overview was exactly what my heart needed. The mountain (i.e. the rock) that was higher than I, gave me this incredible opportunity to put away my phone, sit down, swing around, and connect with the scenery around me.
What was planned to be a twenty-minute look-around, turned into a two hour relaxation break. Heck, I loved it so much, I called my mom and told her that if the day ever came, I would want to have my engagement pictures there. It was everything.
I left feeling better than I could imagine, and headed to the Public Market with a newfound hunger…but more on that later…