When to End It

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I feel like I’m constantly preaching to my friends & family about cutting people out of my life. Obviously they’ve been there for all of the little moments leading up to explosions, but there’s been something pulling at my heart on sharing why I ended best friendship and what the result has been.

I remember the exact moment I decided I was done. It was a hot night in Austin and I was staring at my phone, jaw dropped, in my car outside a Target parking lot. I was on the phone with my best (now ex) friend and there was only silence. I knew, and I think she knew as well, that the friendship was over. And the worst part, there was nothing that could bring it back.

It was a perfect summer that ended terribly. Incredibly hurtful words were exchanged, boundaries were crossed & privacy was completely gone. The walls were up and the bridges were burnt and neither of us would ever repair it.

This conversation was the icing on the cake to years of ruthless competition and an unhealthy best friendship. No matter how much we loved each other, it was the best thing in the world for us to let go and move on.

Over two years later and the details of the fight matter less than they used to. What I’ve taken from this, is a pile of lessons on expectations. What this failure taught me is that I don’t need to settle and I am capable of saying no.

I was incredibly burnt out & I’m sure she was too. I was exhausted of going above and beyond to reach out, celebrate and remember what was important to my friend. And feeling as if those same sentiments weren’t reciprocated & that I was constantly having to pass tests to prove my worth.

This friendship made me feel like I was being thrown a million pop quizzes every week and that there were semester exams at every corner. I didn’t feel like I could be myself or I would be judged. Here’s the thing – no one in your life should ever make you feel that way, especially not someone so close to your heart.

I took almost a year to grieve the loss of this friend. It was like mourning the death of a family member and it hurt so bad. I would tell my true best friend, someone I’ve deeply needed and appreciated in my life, that I didn’t want to think of my ex-bff and continue to talk about her. Thankfully, she knew I needed the space to finally exhaust the toxicity out of my system.

I wonder how I got there in a friendship…all the time. By wanting the validation from her, I neglected the confirmation that I didn’t need her.

I have since understood our differences and forgiven her.

I know that this failed relationship, because it was always deeper than a friendship, does not make me a failure and does not mean I will have other failed friendships. There was growth needed on both sides. I’ve also learned that my insecurity of being rejected from this friendship doesn’t need to be projected on my romantic relationships or future friendships.

I wasn’t valued, loved or respected. And that’s okay. But I, and you, don’t need to be in relationships where that is how you feel. I had to lose someone to gain myself and gain the friends that I needed.

From then on, I knew that I would no longer invest myself more than what is being invested into me.

I no longer wonder how she’s doing & we’re completely unaware of what’s going on in each others’ lives. In fact, a whole life has been lived since I saw her last.

If love is no longer being served, if you question your worth or there is an imbalance – leave. Even if that is…was your best friend. After all, we can’t change anyone and we all deserve to be loved and accepted wholeheartedly.

Photo Nov 05, 10 17 50

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